You will NOT Bring Me Down

Recently I was told that this blog is too negative. I really had to sit down and think about this. It was a statement that really hurt me. To think that there is someone or multiple someones out there reading this and instead of sending happy thoughts or positivity, they have opted to share with others their thought on how negative this blog is. My first reaction was to stop the blog and delete my previous posts. I was hurt and felt ashamed that negativity might be the only thing that people are getting out of this blog. But then I got to thinking and realized that there are going to be portions of my blog that are negative, there are going to be portions that are positive, and there are going to be portions that are simply stating facts. It’s called REALITY.

I thought about the many people who have messaged me, texted, or commented on my posts letting me know how much they appreciate me sharing my story. I’ve had people message me letting me know that they find it brave because they are struggling with the exact same issue but they are too afraid to let people know. I’ve had people who I have not talked to in years message me and share their story of infertility with me- sometimes for the first time outside of immediate family. I’ve had others message me to share their story of success with infertility- one who had just found out they were expecting (I knew before it was Facebook official!)

Not every second of every single day is going to be filled with positivity and sunshine. We all struggle and we all hurt from time to time. I went back and read the posts that I have made so far and what I see is pain, sorrow, anger, hope, wishes, and a story. I see pain and sorrow through the struggles. I see anger when life dealt me more than I thought I could handle, and it wasn’t fair. I see hope, wishes and a story throughout and especially in the last post.

Throughout the next few months I expect there to be plenty more blog posts that may contain negativity. I pray, I wish, and I know there will be many more that share my positivity and my hopefulness as well.

There are so many hardships that come with infertility. You may think that it’s just not being able to have a baby and that’s it. But it’s so connected with you entire life. When you think of your life, what is the most important part of it? Most people will answer their family. When you ask a parent what the best part of their life is they will almost certainly answer their children. So when you feel like that opportunity is being taken away from you or when all that stands between you and having the family you always wanted is money (for treatments or adoption), it is incredibly tough. As a child you plan your whole life out; your soulmate, your wedding, your children. Most of us have picked out baby names while we were still considered babies!

So to everyone reading this blog, if you feel the need to tell your friend, your brother, your sister, or even me that my blog is too negative…please take a look in the mirror and realize that the only person being negative is you. I am sharing my story. My story may be coming out a ‘chapter’ at a time, but that does not give you the right to judge the book by one chapter. If you are reading this blog and you have children and you feel the need to share how negative my blog is, please imagine your life without your children. If you think that your life would be 100xs better without them, then go ahead and think my blog is negative. But if for one second you feel as your life would be worse and you cannot stand thinking about losing them/never having them, then you have felt one minuscule piece of what infertility is/can be.

To all who are reading this, take this post and apply it to all situations in life. So many parts of life can bring us down. Sometimes you catch someone on their fall to the bottom. Help them to see the parts of life that are amazing. Don’t point out that they are on the bottom, help them back up to the top. We all struggle and fall sometimes.

What a Week!

This has been a difficult week, full of a lot of emotions.

We are so thankful for those of you who have reached out and supported us on this journey. Those of you who have said kind words or offered prayers of hope, those who have shared our crowdfunding page (https://www.youcaring.com/journeytobabykneelandhttps://www.youcaring.com/journeytobabykneelandhttps://www.youcaring.com/journeytobabykneelandhttps://www.youcaring.com/journeytobabykneeland) and those who have donated, those who have asked questions and been there to support us. Without having you all as a support system, this would be a million times harder. We have ran into people who are not as supportive and have made us feel horrible, including close family. But because of your support those people have not been able to break us.

This week we paid our first deposit for our IVF cycle. We spent a total of $3350:

•        $2000 nonrefundable deposit to the clinic (will be applied towards the procedure)

•        $600 for Nanobead Sperm Selection This is a sperm selection technique that filters a semen sample through the use of Magnetic-Activated Cell Sorting (MACS). The process begins with the addition of magnetic nanobeads to a semen sample. The beads will attach to a sperm whenever particular proteins are present on the surface of the sperm cell. These proteins are early indicators of decay for the particular sperm leading to an identifier for poor quality. When the sample of sperm and beads is filtered through a magnetic funnel, those sperm with attached beads are pulled away towards the magnetic surface and only the “purest, high-quality” sperm filter through. This increases the likelihood of only the BEST sperm being selected and utilized. Check out the video of how Nanobead Sperm Selection works.

•        $650 for reservation for Embryoscope This unique technology combines a state-of-the-art incubation environment with a high quality microscope camera system and allows all details of embryo development to be observed as a time-lapse movie. Observing the features of embryo development is critical in being able to decide which are most likely to result in a healthy pregnancy. Check out the video of how Embryoscope works.

•         $100 for Embryo Glue This is applied to an embryo prior to its transfer to the uterus in order to improve implantation. It closely resembles the uterine environment at the time of implantation and aids the embryo in uniting with the uterus. This is not a glue as one may typically think of; however, it acts as one by allowing the embryo to better attach to the uterine wall, allowing for the increased chance for implantation.

In my last post I said it felt real because we officially signed up for our retrieval cycle, this week if felt extra real when I saw the funds leave my bank account.

I also have been set up with an IVF coordinator and have received my list of dates for our cycle.

• April 26^th : Medication Class 8:30 am or 5:30pm
• May 2^nd, 3^rd, or 4^th : Baseline Ultrasounds and Labs
• May 8^th : STIM Medications begin
• May 12^th : STAT Labs
• May 15^th: CD9 Ultrasound & STAT Labs
• May 18^th- 21^st : Egg Retrievals

We start with a 2 hour course a month before retrieval where we learn about all of the medication that we will be taking. We go in for ‘baseline’ ultrasounds to see where we are prior to the medication. Then we start the medication (by we, I mean I, Steven does nothing but put up with me for a month!). The clinic will then monitor me and see how the medication is working and determine when the best day for retrieval is. Then we go in for the retrieval! Steven will provide sperm at that time and we keep our fingers crossed that we are able to get at least a few healthy embryos. I will provide more details about the testing and growth of embryos as we get closer to that time.

On a non-fertility related note, we took Gizmo in for his surgery on Wednesday. He had a lump in his side removed and sent off to biopsy ($700 for the surgery and biopsy). The vet is pretty sure it is the start of a vaccine site reaction. These reactions in cats almost always lead to injection site sarcoma, which is an incredibly fast and fatal cancer. Our vet is pretty hopeful that we caught it before it turned into cancer. We will get the results back next week sometime. So keep your fingers crossed for that! Now poor Gizmo has a bald butt and a gnarly scar.

My credit card/bank account is sweating after this week. But I am happy that we are on our way to Baby Kneeland and that Gizmo has a better chance of living to see Baby Kneeland be a reality!

The Start of our IVF Journey

Yesterday we officially signed up for the May retrieval cycle for In-Vitro Fertilization! 

I’m going through the whole range of emotions right now. I am incredibly excited to start this step in our journey but I am absolutely terrified because it all feels so real. We have been talking about this for a few months now, but it was always the last resort. Even though I knew it was really the only option, I kept hoping, praying, and crossing my fingers that I would spontaneously get pregnant naturally. Starting this process is us really putting all of our energy into doing IVF and knowing that, at least until IVF is over and if it fails, there is zero chance of getting pregnant naturally. Hopefully it will not fail and we will be successful in achieving a baby, which in and of itself would be incredibly scary as well. We want nothing more than to create our family, but it’s a life changing thing! Change is scary!

On the other hand, I am beyond thrilled because I know this will hopefully put us closer to achieving Baby Kneeland. It is the finances, the medication, the extreme emotional and physical toll I know it is going to take on us that is incredibly frightening. The medication is going to throw all of my emotions completely out of whack and can cause many side effects. Imagine PMSing and pregnancy brain all at the same time, plus more. I’m afraid of the strain and stress that this is going to put on our relationship and our marriage. IVF is incredibly stressful, and then add a hormonal, medically induced crazy person (me) to the mix and I’m sure you are going to get many unreasonable arguments. 

Over the course of the next few weeks I will talk to my IVF coordinator at the fertility clinic and find out all of the medications I will need to purchase and take. Most will come in the form of

injectables…yikes! Lots of needles...that either Steven or I will have to administer at home. We will discuss a timeline of events and create a calendar. May 15-May 22 is the IVF week for retrievals at our clinic. What this means is that sometime during that week they will hopefully be able to retrieve embryos. Since we are doing PGS (genetic testing) we won’t be able to transfer the embryos back that month. We will hopefully do that two months later in July. 

We have an appointment with our doctor on Tuesday this week to find out what all she recommends doing with our treatment. IVF is not one size fits all. There are a lot of customizations that are out there, today, that can help increase the success rate of achieving a pregnancy.

We have also created a crowdfunding site to help with a portion of the costs associated with IVF. We have been working our butts off saving money and cutting corners. I came home one night to find about 80% of Steven's board games boxed up. He was trying to 'help' save some money by selling his games. Some are games we haven't had the chance to play yet, some are games that we love, and some are ones that he spent months talking about and pre-ordered. This is after we spent the weekend prior going through all of his collectibles and selling a box or two to Vintage Stock. I started crying and begging him to keep his games. I couldn't stand him selling everything he loved. Honestly, his games would have brought in no more than a few hundred dollars at most, but the fact that he was willing to sell everything he loves to help us have a baby was so emotional. We have saved $8,000 currently but are needing help to reach our goal. We plan on taking out a loan to cover the rest of the procedure, but we are hoping to be able to pay that off quickly in hopes to start a family of three without additional debt. You can find our crowdfunding site here if you wish to help:  https://www.youcaring.com/journeytobabykneeland

If you are not able to help financially, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers! We could use some happiness!