The Storm before the Storms

This past week and a half has been one of the hardest times I’ve ever experience.

Last Monday, April 24^th we lost my (fur)baby boy, Gadget. I came home from work and he was having trouble breathing. He has been suffering with severe asthma for the past three years. Right before we moved to Wentzville (May 2016) we took him to the vet for an asthma flare up and he told us that Gadget probably had 1 year left, or one more major asthma attack, whichever came first. When we were settled into Wentzville we took him to a new vet and she had been working with him from May-December. In December he has a small attack and we took him in. She checked out his lungs and said they looked pretty bad. She prescribed us some injectibles for him to take (which were strong steroids that came with major possible side effects). She told us that after these injectibles there was nothing more that they would be able to do. Since the drive to the vet stressed Gadget out she told us that she did not want to see him in office anymore. We had all of the tools (oxygen tank, inhaler, medication, etc.) that we needed if anything ‘fixable’ went wrong.

I was honestly surprised that we came home with him that day. She told us that we would know when it was ‘time’ and that he would tell us. From that day there were a few other scares, but each time I’d look at him and ask him if it was time. And each time I was met with these eyes that were full of life. Sadly, on Monday that was not the case. The past few weeks he had been losing weight, which at first we thought was a side effect of the medication (and it probably was, or it could have been a ‘complication’ from the medication), but it was starting to get noticeable. We also noticed that he needed to use the oxygen tank more over the past few days. His nose would turn this purplish shade, but when we put the oxygen tank up to him he would perk right up and the rest of the day would be fine. On Monday we tried oxygen and he would perk up for about a minute and then his nose would turn purple again. At one point he started coughing (asthma fit) and he kept coughing so hard he had to slowly lay himself down. He had never done that before. I looked at him in the eyes and asked him if it was time. I was met with some very sad, tired eyes. 

 I told Steven that it might be time. I had one test left to see if this might be it. Gadget absolutely loved to drink from the bathroom tub faucet. So I said that if I brought him upstairs and he jumped into the bathtub for water that it wasn’t time yet. I brought him into the bathroom and sat him next to the bath tub and he just sat there. I turned on the water just a little so it dripped down…nothing. I even went as far as picking him up to put him in the bathtub. He just sat there. A minute passed and he jumped out of the bathtub and walked into the walk-in closet and went behind the door and under the pants hanging on the bottom rack in the corner, in the dark, and sat down. I knew he was telling us that it was time.

That night I said goodbye to my best friend, my couch snuggling buddy, but confidant, my therapist, my baby. Since then I have had so many emotions overwhelm me. Steven and I adapted our lives around taking care of Gadget. I woke up every morning and gave him his medicine. We kept him separated from our other cats at night so he wouldn’t get worked up, so early afternoon we would go into his room (which is also my office), pick him up and carry him downstairs so he could lay on the couch with me. At night, Steven would pick him up off the couch and bring him back upstairs and do his night time medicine. This is how our day would go. We were not able to go out of town for longer than a night since that would mean him missing more than one dose of medicine. We would come home early and spend time with him because we never knew how much longer he would have. We ordered medicine every month and refilled his oxygen tank every few months. He was the center of our world. 

Now that he is gone it has been very difficult finding a routine. I miss him all the time. He was such a fighter. I know that our vet told us that he had about a year left, which would be one year this very month, but he fought so hard and had so many scares previously that I kept thinking that he would beat the odds. I know that he is no longer in pain, but not having him with me has been hard.

We went to our medication class on Wednesday evening last week to learn about all of the fertility medications. It was hard to stay focused. I was looking forward to giving Gadget his injection in the mornings and then giving myself injections. We were going to be shot buddies. We talked about side effects or discomfort from the medication or the retrieval. I had been excited to get some extra time off while I was feeling lousy to lay on the couch with Gadget in my lap and binge watch Netflix. I had made so many plans in my head that it was hard thinking that I would have to change those thoughts. 

One last piece before I dive into where our fertility journey has taken us over the past two weeks; if

you do not believe that pets are part of the family, you may not understand any of what I just wrote. That is alright, that is your choice. But to me they are part of my family. For a long time they were the only family I had with me. Gizmo and Gadget were with me for 10 years while I was living 4 hours away from home and while I was living on my own. They have been with me when I was single, engaged, and married. They were adopted when I was told I may not be able to have human children of my own. To me they will always be my first babies. I will always love them.

Now that I’ve cried my eyes out, I guess I should let you know where we are in #journeytobabykneeland. As I mentioned previously, we had our medication class this past week. We also received all of our medication and needles. $4,600 worth of medication!!! Luckily we were able to save almost 50% with a program called compassionate care. Our grand total from the pharmacy was $2,500, but luckily a few lovely ladies who have gone through IVF at the same clinic helped us to get the total down to around $1,700. I am so grateful for their help! 

Earlier this week I was contacted by, Genesis Genetics, the clinic that will do genetic testing on any embryos that make it to Day 6. I had to fill out all of the paperwork and submit it back to them so that when the clinic sends the embryo biopsies they will be able to do PGS testing.

Today I had my ‘baseline’ appointment at the clinic so they could check to make sure everything looks good to start the IVF cycle. I had an internal ultrasound so they could check to make sure there

were no cysts and to make sure the follicles in my ovaries looked ready to produce some eggs. She said all looked good and that she thinks we should be able to get a good number of eggs this cycle! She counted 29 follicles on the left and 25 on the right, so lots of chances for eggs. I also had blood work done to make sure my levels all look normal. It was pretty early in the morning when I was getting blood work done so I hadn’t eaten or drank too much that morning. I should know better than that! When I do not eat or drink enough my veins like to play hide and seek, with an emphasis on ‘hide’. They poked my right arm and dug around for a while with no luck. They brought in another nurse and she felt around and then decided to try my left hand. She poked and dug around and finally got a small vein…that then clotted as soon as she hit it. She then went back to my right arm and found a vein that was very small and hiding way low, but she was going to try it. She hit it first try that time.

So now I’m a little bruised from the numerous pokes and wiggling, but all done with the first checkup. We got our results back this afternoon for the blood work and we got a thumbs up, everything looks good. Tonight I take my last birth control pill and Monday I start my medication.

*I apologize for any spelling or grammar errors in this post. I did not proofread this post as it was emotionally draining just writing it and I did not want to have to read it all over again.