17 Week Update!

It’s been two months since I updated my blog…long time right?! There has been so much that has gone on in the past two months. I have honestly been too afraid to update this just in case something went wrong or something happened. I didn’t want to have some great post about how things were going well and have to back track. It’s funny how even when everything you have been trying to so hard to get is right there…you can still be so afraid every single second that it will be taken away. I have struggled quite a bit to enjoy what I have been given. I have been terrified to get too excited or believe that it’s real because I didn’t want to be disappointed when it was all taken away from me.

I have yet to start decorating the baby’s room. I haven’t started buying any baby toys, or clothes, or diapers. Other than what my best friend has SO GRACIOUSLY lent me from her baby boy (I’m talking boxes of stuff!)- I don’t have anything of my own. Before we got pregnant I had actually bought a few things, a stuffed animal, a few outfits, and just random things here and there. But since we go pregnant, I have not bought a single item for baby. Again, I’ve been too scared to buy something specifically for him and then have him taken away from me. We have had a name picked out since before we got pregnant, but since it’s a name that we will use for a baby boy (it includes a family name), I have been too hesitant to call him by his name. If I do that and he leaves then the name leaves with him.

Don’t get me wrong, I am over the moon excited and happy that we have a 17 week baby boy growing! I love hearing his heart beat (158 beats per minute as of yesterday) and watching him wiggle in the ultrasounds. I just am also scared. It’s been a long, hard road to get to where we are and we have definitely struggled along the way. Between 7 and 8 weeks we lost his twin brother. We knew it was coming, but you always hope that things will change. We heard his heart beat at 6 weeks, and then slower at 7 weeks, and by our 8 week appointment his heart beat was gone. Each week since he has slowly disappeared from the ultrasounds and now we cannot even see him. It might sound weird, but knows that he ‘absorbed’ into his brother’s sac is a little comforting. Knowing that part of him will always be with his brother.

We’ve also had some scares with this baby too. At 11 weeks I started spotting. We went to the doctor and saw that the baby was alright. They guessed it was remnants of losing our other boy. The spotting didn’t stop after that. 12 weeks and 13 weeks it happened again. We went in both times, and finally they saw that my placenta was very low and, while it was not covering the cervix (which could have been bad), it was touching the very corner of my cervix and was most likely causing the irritation and bleeding. We were told that as the uterus grows the placenta will move up with it so in a few weeks it should be out of the way and not causing problems. Luckily, the spotting stopped and as of yesterday the placenta is no longer touching my uterus. 

 

So here we are today, 17 weeks exactly. We were able to confirm yesterday that Baby Kneeland is in fact a boy! Which is something we already knew, but it was nice to confirm it.

 I have not felt him move or kick yet (which is completely normal), but I cannot wait for that to happen. I still feel disconnected from it all. I can’t believe that it’s all real and that we will really end these 40 weeks with a baby to take home. I start to feel a little more secure as the weeks pass and my belly starts to harden and bulge…but I still wonder when I will really believe that this is all happening.