The Storm before the Storms

This past week and a half has been one of the hardest times I’ve ever experience.

Last Monday, April 24^th we lost my (fur)baby boy, Gadget. I came home from work and he was having trouble breathing. He has been suffering with severe asthma for the past three years. Right before we moved to Wentzville (May 2016) we took him to the vet for an asthma flare up and he told us that Gadget probably had 1 year left, or one more major asthma attack, whichever came first. When we were settled into Wentzville we took him to a new vet and she had been working with him from May-December. In December he has a small attack and we took him in. She checked out his lungs and said they looked pretty bad. She prescribed us some injectibles for him to take (which were strong steroids that came with major possible side effects). She told us that after these injectibles there was nothing more that they would be able to do. Since the drive to the vet stressed Gadget out she told us that she did not want to see him in office anymore. We had all of the tools (oxygen tank, inhaler, medication, etc.) that we needed if anything ‘fixable’ went wrong.

I was honestly surprised that we came home with him that day. She told us that we would know when it was ‘time’ and that he would tell us. From that day there were a few other scares, but each time I’d look at him and ask him if it was time. And each time I was met with these eyes that were full of life. Sadly, on Monday that was not the case. The past few weeks he had been losing weight, which at first we thought was a side effect of the medication (and it probably was, or it could have been a ‘complication’ from the medication), but it was starting to get noticeable. We also noticed that he needed to use the oxygen tank more over the past few days. His nose would turn this purplish shade, but when we put the oxygen tank up to him he would perk right up and the rest of the day would be fine. On Monday we tried oxygen and he would perk up for about a minute and then his nose would turn purple again. At one point he started coughing (asthma fit) and he kept coughing so hard he had to slowly lay himself down. He had never done that before. I looked at him in the eyes and asked him if it was time. I was met with some very sad, tired eyes. 

 I told Steven that it might be time. I had one test left to see if this might be it. Gadget absolutely loved to drink from the bathroom tub faucet. So I said that if I brought him upstairs and he jumped into the bathtub for water that it wasn’t time yet. I brought him into the bathroom and sat him next to the bath tub and he just sat there. I turned on the water just a little so it dripped down…nothing. I even went as far as picking him up to put him in the bathtub. He just sat there. A minute passed and he jumped out of the bathtub and walked into the walk-in closet and went behind the door and under the pants hanging on the bottom rack in the corner, in the dark, and sat down. I knew he was telling us that it was time.

That night I said goodbye to my best friend, my couch snuggling buddy, but confidant, my therapist, my baby. Since then I have had so many emotions overwhelm me. Steven and I adapted our lives around taking care of Gadget. I woke up every morning and gave him his medicine. We kept him separated from our other cats at night so he wouldn’t get worked up, so early afternoon we would go into his room (which is also my office), pick him up and carry him downstairs so he could lay on the couch with me. At night, Steven would pick him up off the couch and bring him back upstairs and do his night time medicine. This is how our day would go. We were not able to go out of town for longer than a night since that would mean him missing more than one dose of medicine. We would come home early and spend time with him because we never knew how much longer he would have. We ordered medicine every month and refilled his oxygen tank every few months. He was the center of our world. 

Now that he is gone it has been very difficult finding a routine. I miss him all the time. He was such a fighter. I know that our vet told us that he had about a year left, which would be one year this very month, but he fought so hard and had so many scares previously that I kept thinking that he would beat the odds. I know that he is no longer in pain, but not having him with me has been hard.

We went to our medication class on Wednesday evening last week to learn about all of the fertility medications. It was hard to stay focused. I was looking forward to giving Gadget his injection in the mornings and then giving myself injections. We were going to be shot buddies. We talked about side effects or discomfort from the medication or the retrieval. I had been excited to get some extra time off while I was feeling lousy to lay on the couch with Gadget in my lap and binge watch Netflix. I had made so many plans in my head that it was hard thinking that I would have to change those thoughts. 

One last piece before I dive into where our fertility journey has taken us over the past two weeks; if

you do not believe that pets are part of the family, you may not understand any of what I just wrote. That is alright, that is your choice. But to me they are part of my family. For a long time they were the only family I had with me. Gizmo and Gadget were with me for 10 years while I was living 4 hours away from home and while I was living on my own. They have been with me when I was single, engaged, and married. They were adopted when I was told I may not be able to have human children of my own. To me they will always be my first babies. I will always love them.

Now that I’ve cried my eyes out, I guess I should let you know where we are in #journeytobabykneeland. As I mentioned previously, we had our medication class this past week. We also received all of our medication and needles. $4,600 worth of medication!!! Luckily we were able to save almost 50% with a program called compassionate care. Our grand total from the pharmacy was $2,500, but luckily a few lovely ladies who have gone through IVF at the same clinic helped us to get the total down to around $1,700. I am so grateful for their help! 

Earlier this week I was contacted by, Genesis Genetics, the clinic that will do genetic testing on any embryos that make it to Day 6. I had to fill out all of the paperwork and submit it back to them so that when the clinic sends the embryo biopsies they will be able to do PGS testing.

Today I had my ‘baseline’ appointment at the clinic so they could check to make sure everything looks good to start the IVF cycle. I had an internal ultrasound so they could check to make sure there

were no cysts and to make sure the follicles in my ovaries looked ready to produce some eggs. She said all looked good and that she thinks we should be able to get a good number of eggs this cycle! She counted 29 follicles on the left and 25 on the right, so lots of chances for eggs. I also had blood work done to make sure my levels all look normal. It was pretty early in the morning when I was getting blood work done so I hadn’t eaten or drank too much that morning. I should know better than that! When I do not eat or drink enough my veins like to play hide and seek, with an emphasis on ‘hide’. They poked my right arm and dug around for a while with no luck. They brought in another nurse and she felt around and then decided to try my left hand. She poked and dug around and finally got a small vein…that then clotted as soon as she hit it. She then went back to my right arm and found a vein that was very small and hiding way low, but she was going to try it. She hit it first try that time.

So now I’m a little bruised from the numerous pokes and wiggling, but all done with the first checkup. We got our results back this afternoon for the blood work and we got a thumbs up, everything looks good. Tonight I take my last birth control pill and Monday I start my medication.

*I apologize for any spelling or grammar errors in this post. I did not proofread this post as it was emotionally draining just writing it and I did not want to have to read it all over again.

Infertility Awareness Week & the Panic Sets In...

This upcoming week, April 23-29, is National Infertility Awareness week. I’m pretty aware of infertility every single week, but I must say that I’m becoming more and more aware and more and more nervous/worried/excited as we get closer to my retrieval date.

This coming Wednesday, April 26 is my medication class for IVF retrieval. I should also be getting my medicine protocol calendar early next week. This means I will be getting all of my medicine soon! I won’t start taking the medication until Monday, May 8^th, but even that is just around the corner. 

This week I started going to acupuncture to try it out. Other women who have done IVF and been successful swear by it, so at this point I’m willing to try anything! I went for my first appointment on Tuesday and I will go back every week (sometimes twice a week) for relaxation and to balance the body. Closer to transferring the embryos the acupuncture can help thicken the lining of the uterus to help with implantation. 

All of this is making it so much more real. Up to now I’ve been living life like normal and nothing out of the ordinary. Now things are starting to change to prep for retrieval. I have my appointments all set for the next few weeks: 

May 3^rd at am for my Baseline ultrasound and labs

May 8^th I start medication

May 12^th at 7:30am I go in for my labs

May 15^th at 8am I go in for my CD 9 work up

May 18^th-21^st will be my retrieval

I’m so excited to get to that point, but I must say I have been super nervous and worried about it all lately. Quite a few ladies in the IVF group I am part of that went through retrieval last week did not have embryos that made it to day 6. After retrieval they monitor they fertilize the embryos and then watch them for 6 days to make sure that they grow. Some will arrest (stop growing) between fertilization and day 6. It is possible to retrieve plenty of embryos and not have any that make it to day 6, which in that case there would be nothing to transfer. I ache for the ladies who are going through this and I pray that we have embryos that make it to day 6. 

Because I my concern I went back and asked my doctor about another sperm selection technique and she recommended us signing up for it. It is called PICSI: Preselective Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection is a technique that simulates the natural selection of mature sperm post Nanobead Sperm Selection for the process of ICSI.  In natural conception, the fertilization of an oocyte only occurs by a sperm that is capable of binding to hyaloronan present on the surface of the oocyte. This interaction can only be achieved by a mature sperm.  Hyaluronan is a compound found naturally in the reproductive tract, as well as, other areas of the body and specifically in connecting cells of an oocyte.The PICSI method includes the addition of small droplets of hyaluronan to a sample of sperm. The sperm that attaches to the hyaluronan is then selected for use in ICSI. This is an additional $200 but hopefully it helps pick sperm that can help the embryo fertilize and grow strong! 

I am also having mini panic attacks about starting the medication because it means I have to stop another medication. I haven’t told many people at all but I mentioned in my first post that a few years back when I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism I started losing my hair. Well the hair loss never did stop. I have been going to a dermatologist for the past few years. I have had biopsies of my scalp to find out what is going on and we found out it has to do with PCOS and my hormones attacking my hair. For that reason I have been using topical treatments to help fight the hormones and keep my hair. I will not be able to continue these treatments while I’m taking fertility medicine. I will stop the treatments as soon as I start the fertility medication. This means all of the hair that I maintained by using the treatments has the possibility of falling out. While you may think ‘it’s just hair’, it means a lot to me and it’s very upsetting to think about losing it all. And there is zero guarantee it would ever grow back since the hormones that attack it kill the entire root. I bought a wig a few years back when things were getting bad originally. I never had to use it, thankfully, because of the treatments, but at least I still have it if things get bad. 

 

I used to have severe panic attacks when I was originally losing my hair. I would cry my eyes out and ask Steven if he would still love me if I was bald. I couldn’t imagine him being attracted to me if I did not have any hair. I still feel like that some days when I think about it. He is very supportive about it all and I love him even more for that. I just wish I did not have this added stress to an already stressful situation. 

Keep your fingers crossed for me! I will have my fingers permanently crossed for the next few months!

Giving Thanks and Taking Control

So this past week I started to take control…birth control that is J It’s really funny to think that the first ‘official’ step in the IVF process is taking birth control. I was super excited to take the first dose since it made everything even more real.  You might be asking yourself why someone who is trying to have a baby is excited about birth control, well here is the answer. Birth control helps to prepare the ovaries for stimulation. The pills decrease the chances of creating cysts that could interfere with the cycle start. They also allow the doctor to control the timing of the cycle.

The clinic that I go to, MCRM (Missouri Center for Reproductive Medicine) has one week every month for IVF egg retrieval and one week for embryo transfer. So all of the ladies that are doing IVF that month need to be, roughly, on the same cycle to be ready that week. I will keep taking the pills until around the first week of May. After that I will start taking the medication to start stimulating my ovaries to produce, hopefully a lot of, eggs for retrieval! 

I do want to take a minute to say how grateful I am for the fertility clinic and their staff. I have been able to ask a million questions and they get back to me in less than an hour. I have been working closely with their financial person, Dena, and my IVF coordinator, Jen F., and they both have had well over 50 e-mails from me in the past few months. I was so impressed with the timeliness of their replies! I am excited to start my journey through IVF with them!

I also want to give a shout out to a Facebook group that some of the ladies who have done/are doing IVF at MCRM have started. It is a private group called MCRM IVF Support Sisters. These ladies have been absolutely amazing. It is a group of around 150 past, present, and future MCRM patients who share their advice, their success, their setbacks, and their support with everyone. I have learned so much about the process from these ladies! I have gotten to follow their journey through infertility and they are sharing in mine. Sometimes it is scary being a part of the group because when IVF doesn’t work for one I get worried that it might not work for me and my heart aches for that person. But then there are those that IVF does work for and I am reminded of the excitement and hope that I have and I get to rejoice with them!

I once again want to thank those who have contributed to our crowdfunding page! We’ve had a good show of family support in the past two weeks! We are almost half way to our goal J And for those of you in the St. Peters/St. Charles, MO area, if you're out and about today (or anytime in April) stop by the Barnes and Noble Cafe in St. Peters off MidRivers and order a drink! My husband is the cafe manager and they are doing a competition in the district to see who can go above plan in drinks by the highest margins for the month of April. The manager of the cafe that wins gets a large cash prize! His store is working their butts off to help us win this prize to go towards our Journey to Baby Kneeland! They have started calling the competition Baby Bonanza! Every drink made by the cafe counts!

PS- I cannot remember if I posted about Gizmo since he got his surgery. We had his surgery a few weeks ago and we got his biopsy back and it was not cancerous yet!! We are super thankful about that! He is working on growing back his hair from the surgery now.