Guilty as Charged

Most people commonly associate infertility with the emotions of sadness, depression, jealousy, etc. Those emotions are very much present. However, the one emotion that is so very prevalent in infertility but not as commonly discussed is guilt. You might ask why feel guilty for something that you cannot control. You might think it’s crazy to put the blame on yourself when there is nothing you can do to help it. But you, my friend, are thinking clearly. And it is so so so hard to think clearly when facing infertility.

When I was growing up I knew I might have difficulties having children, or I may never be able to have children. Knowing that impacted every single relationship I ever had. In high school and college, before I was even ready to have children it changed the way I handled relationships. I would think about the fact that one day I was going to have to tell my boyfriend that we may never be able to have kids. I felt like it was something that I needed to warn them of. If they wanted to have kids I might not be able to provide that for them. I felt like they didn’t deserve to have to be with someone who was infertile. 

I felt/feel like less of a woman. Part of being female is being able to conceive and grow a child. I’m not saying that it is a requirement as there are plenty of women who do not choose to be mothers. But for those who wish to have children and cannot, it can make you feel like you are not whole. All of the stories, from the time you are young, are of two people falling in love, getting married, and then having a baby. When you are struggling with that last part you feel incomplete. And when you know it’s because you are ‘broken’ you feel guilty. You feel like you are preventing your husband from having the family that he wants. 

When Steven and I were ‘unofficially’ dating, I had ‘the talk’ with him about PCOS and what it means about me possibly not be able to have kids. This conversation was a little premature, but when he came over and found me crying my eyes out, it was a conversation that needed to take place. My best friend had just told me that she was pregnant with her first. I love her to death and was so happy for her, but I was so jealous at the same time. I was afraid that she would be a mom and because I didn’t/couldn’t have kids I would never have anything in common with her again. That she would find ‘mom’ friends and I wouldn’t have anything to contribute. (That’s not the case and she is amazing and her two little ones are great!) During this breakdown I told Steven everything. Little did we know that this would be the first of many breakdowns that would happen about infertility.

Before we found out that Steven had a problem with his sperm as well, we were hopeful that either medication and/or a healthy lifestyle would help us conceive. When we were looking for houses we wanted to find a house that had a least three rooms and some space so we could start our family. The first time we stepped into our, now, house, Steven looked at me and said “This would be a perfect house for kids”. That is something that I will never forget. So today I sit in our 4 bedroom house feeling guilty that we may never be able to fill our house with the kids that it is so perfect for. I not only feel guilty for not being able to provide my husband with a family, but I feel guilty for not providing my house with the kids it deserves. How incredibly silly is that?! But it’s the truth. 

Steven is an only child. Without Steven having children, his mom will never be a grandmother. His mom has been great and understanding with the infertility problems, but I know she wants to be a grandmother. And even before we knew what we were facing, I felt guilty that it might be my fault that it may never happen. I remember one time his mom was joking with him about us giving her grandkids, this was while we were dating, and afterwards I had to tell Steven to warn her of the potential problems. I felt like I needed to warn her so it wouldn’t be as hard to hear if we had trouble.

Luckily, my sisters both have at least one child so my parents are already grandparents. Both of my sisters are younger than me, by the way. Watching your younger siblings have kids before you…well that’s a story for another day. 

From the time we found out that we are not only facing female factors of infertility, but male factors too, the guilt has doubled. You would think that the guilt would go away since there is not one person in the relationship to ‘blame’. Again, you are thinking too clearly. Now we both feel uncontrollable guilt about the situation. Every time I break down and cry because of how stressed, sad, upset I am about the whole situation, Steven feels guilt. He feels guilty that he cannot provide me with the baby that I want. He feels guilty that he may never be able to help me become a mother. He feels like less of a man.

Every time Steven feels hopeless about the situation and about finances, I feel guilt. Every time I tell him how much a procedure or medication costs and he turns his head and asks “How much?” I feel guilt. Every time someone asks when we are having kids, I feel guilt.

 So now we have:

My guilt + Steven’s guilt 

= a very stressed and emotional couple.