Struggles...

What Infertility Means to Me:

When your bank account dictates whether or not you will be able to have a family.

When you are considering throwing your entire savings account into one attempt at something that may or may not happen. 

When you are just as scared of it working as you are it failing. If it works, you have no idea how you are going to afford daycare or diapers because you just took out a loan and used your savings to make this happen. If you fail, you just threw away thousands of dollars and lived in a medicated blur for the past month, two month, years with nothing to show but an empty bank account and accruing interest. 

When people tell you don’t worry and it will happen…Really!? Because I wasn’t worried for the first 6 months and nothing, and that’s when I started to worry. 

When people who have had ZERO problems getting pregnant and having children tell you to stay positive and it will happen, when you just needed to vent about your struggles. A better response is, “I know you must be so stressed and worried. Try to relax if you can. I am here for you and I will be positive for you”. 

When you feel SO ALONE because everyone else seems to be having no problems getting pregnant and everyone is so focused on them and their new children that you are left in the corner by yourself wishing you could be in their shoes. 

When you understand secondary infertility is a thing and very upsetting- but at least if they stop trying they still get to have their other children. If you stop trying, you will be alone forever. 

When people say “Maybe it’s in God’s plan, maybe you are meant to adopt”. So God wanted me to be infertile, and broke. He wanted me to not be able to have children naturally but too poor to be able to afford to adopt. 

When every single pregnancy announcement makes you start to cry because it’s not you. 

When you have to decide whether or not to have a wedding because you are not sure you will be able to afford getting married and fertility treatments. When you postpone infertility testing because you decide that at least a wedding is pretty much a guarantee that you end up married whereas fertility treatments do not guarantee a baby. 

When you have never taken a vacation as a couple or even a honeymoon because you’re saving for fertility treatments.

When time is both your friend and your enemy. In a few years you might be able to afford everything, but in a few years you chances of success drastically go down. 

When you have an empty room in your house set aside for IF everything works. When you start off calling it ‘the future  baby’s room’ and end up calling it the ‘yellow room’ because the future maybe never come breaks your heart. 

When you feel like it’s all your fault and your husband feels like it’s all his fault and you both break down on a regular basis. 

When you know all of the abbreviations: BFN, BFP, DH, OPK, POS, CD, IB, AF, EWCM, BD, CP, DPO, O, BBT, IVF, IUI, TWW, FMU, HPT and you have an app that tracks almost all it. 

When you feel like you did everything right. You graduated high school, went to college, got a Bachelor’s degree, got a Master’s degree, found a job, bought a house, got married…but now you can’t start a family. 

When people tell you “oh it took us 10 years to get pregnant” and yet they started trying at the age of 20. If it takes us 10 years we will be 40 years old and by the time the kid is in high school we will be close to retirement. 

When you realize your parents and grandparents are getting older and some are gone already. Those are people who will NEVER get to meet your child (if you even have one). 

When you realize if you never have children, you will never get to be a parent, or a grandparent. Once you are gone your branch of the family tree ends. 

When it’s ALL a struggle.